Kill Yourself Vol. 1

To all of you who write advertisement that begins with a large red "WARNING! The following may cause.."

..and then, in an unprecedented display of cutting-edge wit and innovation, swing that into something FUN!! rather than a real WARNING!! (GET IT?!?!) e.g....

"..gut-busting laughter!"

or

"..uncontrollable booty-shaking!"


We've had a meeting while you were in the other room, and... we'd like it if you'd kill yourself.


Love,
Skip

Attn: The Desk of Toaster Strudel's Marketing Manager

It is my opinion, sir, that if you cannot generate any new material, you should be removed from your executive position at this time.


You've been pointing out your product's superiority to the Pop-Tart since TV became available in color.


Every single Toaster Strudel commercial I've seen in my life features:

- an exchange between two would-be friends, one whose affinity for Pop-Tarts has caused an irreparable rift.

- a side-by-side contrast of a bursting Toaster Strudel pastry with the middle cleavage and jelly zig-zag towering over an impotent post-it-sized Pop-Tart.

- an announcer, male or female, will copiously emasculate Pop-Tarts, slandering the standardized tart: thinness, dryness, and overall illegitimacy as a breakfast pastry.

- Poppinfresh will usually make an appearance at the close of all commercials, just to throw the turf up and show muthafuckas what time it is.


It's astonishing to me that your entire advertising strategy hinges, has hinged, and it seems will always hinge on pilfering the purist sector, those most selective, from the Pop-Tarts audience. Your platform appeals to those fans who want to pull their first daily meal out of a tinfoil pouch and add nothing, but who are upset by the lack of quality therein.


Oh, Toaster Strudel Marketing Manager...

Will this truly be your niche until your dying day?
What has driven you into this two-decade slide of jealous pastry politics?
Does your older brother Pop-Tarts overshadow your accomplishments at every Christmas dinner?


How tiring.

Careful you don't lose Poppinfresh's contract. He's all you've got.

Skip

Dreads

I used to have dreads. They were crazy dope.

See?


I don't have dreadlocks now because Earth, in an astonishingly cohesive exhibition of groupthink, doesn't appreciate people of European lineage having dreadlocks.


When I put my hair in dreads, peeps would think they knew quite a bit about me, had me "cased out" if you will. The byproducts of having this hairstyle were entirely adverse... Police cursed at me uncivilly. New acquaintances would neglect to learn my name and refer to me as "dreadlocks" or "rudeboy" or "Rage" or whatever you like. Supervisors under whom my performance had remained consistent suddenly adopted a demeanor somewhere between awkward distance and flat-out disdain. Interviews for new jobs were knowingly a joke. Women who had flirted with me before now ice-grilled me in indication of how personally my hair must have offended them. And people would leapfrog over the "do you smoke" question and go straight to "where do you buy" or "are you holding".

...Incidentally, having dreadlocks means that a person rolled his/her hair up into locks. The prereqs for achieving this look, for a person with my type of hair, include:
- wax
- a few hours' worth of patience.

Substance abuse, lack of intelligence and hygiene, affinity for a certain type of music - although fantastic calls to make on an utter stranger, technically not legitimate dreadlock prereqs.


Eventually, I was forced to revert. It was just not worth it. I was tired of having to prove my worth with two strikes against me. A couple of people actually told me,

"You're too smart for dreadlocks."


The intriguing thing to me...

When an individual is making a personal judgment on me based wholly on the way my hair is done that day, somehow he/she can be endowed with the staggering nerve to call me a tool.


Ruefully faux-hawked

Skip