Masterpieces of American Literature Vol. 1 & 2

Everything that appears in Masterpieces of American Literature is a true existing written work that I have quoted as accurately as possible by the word.

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Incident Report*
(names changed)

*Document meant to keep precise record of volatile happenings.

Trainee Name: Vivica
Building:blank. Dept: 4-17-09. Room: blank. Trainee Signature: Vivica (tilted to the right to denote a signature). Location of incident: blank. Date: 4-17-09. Time: blank.

Description of incident in full detail:

(note - Front page of this handwritten report is absolutely riddled, spangled, with loose quotation marks, 5 or 6 to some lines, too many directly above words to indicate here. Apparently this student must have placed a couple incorrectly and just decided to decorate the report with them, which would be a sound defense if someone accused her of not knowing how to properly utilize those curly things.)

Britny Torress statted ('sayn' crossed out) saying "yeah Fuck"ing leva, why don 't you wear your blue belt" I said "('Aight' crossed out) Alright then I'm going to wear my blue belt right now!" Britny Torress and Natalie Torress started talking a lot of ('bullshit' crossed out) cuzz words. Since I have problems to deal with I couldn't handle it anymore and I started saying "Well that's all you guys do talk ('shit' crossed out) StuFF and won't do nothing." Natalie Torress looked at me and was walking behind Britny and they both said "We already did something!" and I said well you guys are liying and Natalie Torress wanted to come near me and hit me I was going to hit her but Cristina de Santiago was pulling me back then the security came Claduia and Cristina wanted to calm me down the secuirty was talking to me and Cristina and Natalie told Madina that we were snitching and Madina said "Really, now Vivica your going to snitch." I got more angry and started telling her "First of all ain't no one snitching on people. Then aimy started talking a whole bunch of stuff. They were FLAMED UP in Red to.

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The speaker it don't work. You gonna have to drive up to the window and then you gonna to have to wait 10-15 minutes for a food.

- Posted on a Jack in the Box Drive-Thru Menu

ShamWow Guy and Filthy Hooker (Chapter One)

ShamWow Guy ,
seen here wishing in one hand and wiping kitchen counters with the other, hits a Miami Beach nightclub to enjoy the fruits of his celebrity one Saturday night.

ShamWow Guy meets Filthy Hooker, brings her back to hotel room, and with that ShamWow Guy charm, spins up a quick contract binding Filthy Hooker only to "straight sex". Provided of course that ShamWow Guy takes care of the convenience charge of one thousand dollars - but only if you call in the next ten minutes, because Filthy Hooker can't offer this price all day.

Having taken care of the formalities like a vet, ShamWow Guy went in for a romantic kiss with his lady.

Filthy Hooker bites his tongue, will not let go.

ShamWow Guy beats the S. Out of Filthy Hooker.