Enough with the fucking scarves.

Guys, come on.


Did I wake up in a late chapter of the evil saga of Doctor Jaycrewzenstein.

Leave that shit alone.


Walk with me for a minute. Ten years ago, I was in middle school. If it was over ~15 degrees Fahrenheit and you wore a scarf at any middle school in America in '98, you'd quickly be nicknamed scarf-queer, or something analogous, then before morning break it would get gaffled and put in the middle urinal where Brendan the math club prezzy peed or in that week's fresh playground dog dook. And the more advanced of pranksters would trick you into putting it back on.

Notice: Kanye rose to recognition because of his ear for production, not for dressing like a toy.


It's whatever. Do you. But think it over; maybe you should leave it for girls and gay guys. They had it first.


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Why is Mike Tyson broke?

Really.

Give him a TV show. Of any type. We all want to watch him.

That is all.

FAQ: "Why Are You Vegan, Skip?"

Folks (who read this), please, don't ask vegans "why" anymore...

You're not the first person to ask us.



I haven't met every vegan on the planet. But I can speak for a large portion of vegans in saying that there are several answers as to "why" we're vegan that we'd love to give you but would be considered grossly impolite.


Why are you vegan?

1 - If you knew what they did to the animals you eat, both while they're alive, while slaughtering, and in the processing afterward, you wouldn't want to eat that shit either. Don't ask us to break this down, especially if you're of the disposition that you'd "rather not think about it". If you knowingly choose ignorance of what you put in your body, please don't ask me why I'm concerned with what I put in mine. This should be obvious.

2 - I decided to eat vegan one day and I have since. I don't need a reason not to eat flesh and unborn embrios. Quite the contrary. I would need a reason to be compelled to. And nobody has presented a logical reason that I need to eat, aught to eat, or should feel strange for not eating meat, eggs, or dairy. We're the ones that should be asking you omnivores "why".

3 - I love animals.



The classic counterarguments:

- I know, I know, you love animals too, but they're so yummy. Ha, ha. I've never heard anyone try to be ironic about this before.
(Just by the way, slavery advocates probably jabbed abolitionists with similar gems - "I love Black people just as much as the next man, but they keep my wallet so full, hardeeharhar.")

- "But steak is so good" and "I could never do that" are not sound arguments. I disagree that steak is good. I disagree that cheese is good. If you are the person who tells a vegan that carne asada is so bomb, congratulations - you possess all the irksomeness of Carlos Mencia and even less originality.

- The "food chain", or the "natural order" thing.. If someone tells me that he/she eats meat because that's what was naturally intended, or that's the way it's always been, I walk away, because he/she is clearly not interested in challenging him/herself with such pesky things as thoughts. What that person is telling me is that he/she would prefer to cop out from guilt or knowledge with a Kevin McHale ball-fake by attributing his/her diet to forces beyond his/her control, AND suggesting with a bald face that I should follow the same guidelines. Takes my breath away.


But Veganism is "so hard"! Why not just vegetarian?


- Eggs are unborn chickens.

- Dairy products are made from the breast milk of a cow. If that last sentence doesn't seem strange to you, read it again. Just because the rest of the school jumped off a bridge doesn't make it normal. Cow's milk is for cow babies.

- All dairy cows go to slaughter.

- Veganism is healthier than lacto-ovo vegetarianism - eggs and dairy are high in fat and cholesterol.

- The main pressure to be omnivorous or "just vegetarian" instead of full vegan is social. It's relatively easy to find a vegetarian meal at a restaurant compared to a vegan dish. But you should never give up on what you believe in because few others do. This is a very sad thing to do. This is a crucial step is murdering your own unique personality. There is no joke here.

- "Why full vegan" is a question against my willpower. That's annoying.

- It's also a slight on your own willpower and is likely to make a lot of vegans uncomfortable. Want to know what you look like asking this question? Close your eyes and imagine a bummy, yellow-toothed alcoholic asking someone who doesn't drink (because he/she doesn't enjoy it), "Aw, man! You should drink on the weekends at least! Everybody should drink! The human being needs to drink!"





Let me eat my tofurkey in peace.


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Prop 8..

I'm tired of slapping my own forehead when it's other peoples' I should be slapping.


For those of you who don't know, my state of California just passed a proposition banning gay marriage and nulling previous unions between gay people.


Here's the headline I just read signing into my e-mail:

Gay Advocates Protest Marriage Ban




First: There is no such thing as a "gay advocate". Some people are gay. They don't need anyone to advocate them being who they are. By the logic that someone can be a "gay advocate", I could be a "black advocate", a "sunrise advocate", or a "vagina advocate". I.e. some people have brown skin, the sun rises in the morning, and some people have vaginas and I'm okay with it. Aren't I the advocate.

But, what this writer probably meant was "Gay Rights Advocates". An important but minute mistake, so let's not get hung up on that.

The more important point:



If you think that gay people do not deserve the same human rights as heterosexual people, you are wrong.




And if your children knew how intolerant and archaic your belief system is, it would make them cry.

I'm ashamed of my state. I thought that we had made bold strides in the civil rights department in my lifetime and my parents', but I guess we still have a lot of realizations to make.



I think that the best repercussions for a ban of gay marriage would be

to couple it with a ban of Christian practice, so that the bible-pounders oppressing the homosexual population would know what it's like to be given a civil right and then have it revoked.

And... I'm not an expert, but wasn't it "Love Thy Neighbor", not "Love Thy Neighbor Unless He's a Queer"?




Bigots get an F Minus.


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You Are Not Good At Whistling.

Are you that ever-happy person who whistles at work, on line at the bank, on the bus, around friends and family, while cooking, and best of all, along with the song on the radio that the other people around you would otherwise enjoy?

Stop it.

You are not good at whistling. Bluejays are good at whistling. There are about five human individuals in the world whose whistling doesn't produce piercing, unnatural, irritating tones. The timbre of air seeping through your distorted fishy-mouth is not pleasant.


Look - this song has a professional whistler on it who works in harmony with a backdrop of other instruments to form a complete arrangement. This gentleman probably didn't become a professional whistler by hacking through Old MacDonald at the desk next to yours while you looked through all the pens on your desk to see which one could scoop out your eardrums the quickest. This dude is a musician:



Nice, huh?


This is you:




You suck.

Ask your friends.




Thanks


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The Palin

The rumor which surfaced last week was that Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin both

1) did not know which countries are in North America and

2) did not know that Africa was a continent, but rather was under the impression that it was one large country (of which South Africa was the southern part. You know, like South Bronx or East Los Angeles).



At first, I thought these allegations must be false; this simply couldn't be possible. No one with a formal education thinks that Africa is a country after 2nd grade.

Almost immediately after hearing this news I went and asked a host of my adult friends whether Africa was a continent or a country.

Astonishingly, one guy actually answered incorrectly, and when told it's actually a continent, he couldn't name one country within Africa. But, keep in mind, this is a guy who writes text messages to the effect of "I AM GO TONIT R U. ANSWER?" and hurls classic fighter jets of razor wit such as "Oh yea? Well you don't have dick, you have pu-nanny!"

No, certainly any grown person who is elected governor of a state and nominated for Vice President couldn't be amiss of the little tidbit that Africa has many countries in it.

I was SURE that this MUST be something hatched by the McCain campaigners and/or Fox News to protect the Republican party, divert blame to make her seem more responsible for the landslide loss and preserve Republican credibility. Sorry, we picked a retard, but hey, don't we look that much doper by comparison now?

However..

Check out the Sarah Palin Is a Moron Series on Youtube. She really has me wondering.

Seriously, folks (who read this), check out this series. She spectacularly fails at answering such questions as "which newspapers do you read" and "name a single Supreme Court case".

Just for purposes of efficiency, before I say what I think about her speaking style, here's a choice selection:



Check out Anderson Cooper's face. If CNN had Palin to do his job they'd jump out of their towering office buildings before she got through her first sentence fragment. Her speeches make my and Anderson's brows furrow like baboons'. When I watch Sarah Palin talk, I like to imagine her trying to define the word "Concise".

"Concise is a word that I have experience with from my years as governor. Concise is a good thing because it brings about changes in a positive direction and it has the capacity, of course, to resolve many unwanted problems and there have been those who've tried to attack my concise and it's strange I don't recall but I stand firm. What this means before is up in Alaska, concise was and still is important to me - I would mainly focus on the conciseness within our own community and then that will soon cause expansion of the new energy into a wonderful pretty economic strong democratic efforts to preserve American family values and also new ideas, new energy, new panties, and structures November January flapjack Hassellhoff strong feelings of promise for tomorrow."


I think a cat named antijake said it the very best:


(Sarah Palin) reminds me of the student who, when confronted with an essay question on the exam that he knows nothing about, starts writing about whatever pops into his head that might be remotely related. he keeps writing and writing, hoping that if he just puts enough words down, the answer might be discovered amongst them.

Posted by: antijake | Nov 10, 2008 8:46:59 PM

I'm informed that in the bidness they call this "deflection".

This nominalization, however, would be a pebble in an Egyptian pyramid of trying to convey how The Palin dazzlingly impales herself on the most elementary of questions.


Did this woman know that Africa was a continent? Probably. I don't know.

In any case, I'm glad this genius is not next in line to be the Prezzy behind a septuagenarian liable to fold over with a coronary during his morning bacon.



Congratulations

Skip

New Prezzy

I think that the phrase "President Elect Barack Obama" is a perfectly fitting trigger for the first entry of this new blog. Just a couple more months with Damien in the Oval.

In all honesty, everyone (who reads this), yes, I am ecstatic.. Well, maybe hopeful, or optimistic, is a better word. I'm proud of my populace for finally overcoming their fear enough to allow a seemingly reasonable man into the White House. Anyone who knows me well has heard me say that if Barack didn't win I wouldn't be here much longer. I really disapprove of some of the actions taken by this administration that have been sloppily smokescreened as anti-terrorism, and they've placed America in a very strange and undesirable position.

My own "hemorrhaging liberalism" aside,

- the term "hemorrhaging liberalism", which I have coined here, is used to describe a sniveling tree-hugger who would rather spend his/her country's savings on educating our youth and improving our standard of living than on foreign policy which will cost many innocent lives daily as well as a tanked economy -

from what I've seen, Barack Obama is a smart and rational dude, and I'm confident to this point that he'll make decisions that protect American interests rather than squandering our money through military escapades.


However, the President of the United States doesn't have the authority to do a lot of things on his own.

And what we really need is to withdraw the troops from overseas, a badly-planned occupation we're pouring $10 billion into every month, much of which is going to arms companies in which the Republicans up top own stock..

If you haven't done the math already, everyone (who reads this), yes, certain people make money off of war, and don't care if the rest of the economy suffers.


(To everyone who insists that America is invincible and our economy will turn back around like it always has - surely, for our unparalleled history of ~100 years as a world power - I'm not saying you're wrong, but wouldn't being rid of that -$10,000,000,000 monkey make recovering the economy a lot easier? Do you think we're doing good by the people of Iraq? Can you remember a time in history when an long-term overseas occupation turned out well?)



To all of my peers who know or don't know what this administration has done, let's put it down for a minute and be satisfied.

We got Obama. The fear finally lost, thanks to all his supporters and the efforts of his campaign. Everyone who knows me well also knows that I'd rather have Nader, but nonetheless, Obama will be much, much better than Bush Jr.

Let's all give our support. The politicians who actually want to make things happen need our support. And maybe we can escape the system that's been in place, and we will begin (NOT return to, I hate when people say return) a government by the people.

A real step in the right direction. A good day.



Oh, and there is one thing that Barack Obama already has the sole authority to do as President Elect, without the approval of the Senate, the Supreme Court, or even any of you.

Bring back the fro.



No diggity.


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