FAQ: "Why Are You Vegan, Skip?"

Folks (who read this), please, don't ask vegans "why" anymore...

You're not the first person to ask us.



I haven't met every vegan on the planet. But I can speak for a large portion of vegans in saying that there are several answers as to "why" we're vegan that we'd love to give you but would be considered grossly impolite.


Why are you vegan?

1 - If you knew what they did to the animals you eat, both while they're alive, while slaughtering, and in the processing afterward, you wouldn't want to eat that shit either. Don't ask us to break this down, especially if you're of the disposition that you'd "rather not think about it". If you knowingly choose ignorance of what you put in your body, please don't ask me why I'm concerned with what I put in mine. This should be obvious.

2 - I decided to eat vegan one day and I have since. I don't need a reason not to eat flesh and unborn embrios. Quite the contrary. I would need a reason to be compelled to. And nobody has presented a logical reason that I need to eat, aught to eat, or should feel strange for not eating meat, eggs, or dairy. We're the ones that should be asking you omnivores "why".

3 - I love animals.



The classic counterarguments:

- I know, I know, you love animals too, but they're so yummy. Ha, ha. I've never heard anyone try to be ironic about this before.
(Just by the way, slavery advocates probably jabbed abolitionists with similar gems - "I love Black people just as much as the next man, but they keep my wallet so full, hardeeharhar.")

- "But steak is so good" and "I could never do that" are not sound arguments. I disagree that steak is good. I disagree that cheese is good. If you are the person who tells a vegan that carne asada is so bomb, congratulations - you possess all the irksomeness of Carlos Mencia and even less originality.

- The "food chain", or the "natural order" thing.. If someone tells me that he/she eats meat because that's what was naturally intended, or that's the way it's always been, I walk away, because he/she is clearly not interested in challenging him/herself with such pesky things as thoughts. What that person is telling me is that he/she would prefer to cop out from guilt or knowledge with a Kevin McHale ball-fake by attributing his/her diet to forces beyond his/her control, AND suggesting with a bald face that I should follow the same guidelines. Takes my breath away.


But Veganism is "so hard"! Why not just vegetarian?


- Eggs are unborn chickens.

- Dairy products are made from the breast milk of a cow. If that last sentence doesn't seem strange to you, read it again. Just because the rest of the school jumped off a bridge doesn't make it normal. Cow's milk is for cow babies.

- All dairy cows go to slaughter.

- Veganism is healthier than lacto-ovo vegetarianism - eggs and dairy are high in fat and cholesterol.

- The main pressure to be omnivorous or "just vegetarian" instead of full vegan is social. It's relatively easy to find a vegetarian meal at a restaurant compared to a vegan dish. But you should never give up on what you believe in because few others do. This is a very sad thing to do. This is a crucial step is murdering your own unique personality. There is no joke here.

- "Why full vegan" is a question against my willpower. That's annoying.

- It's also a slight on your own willpower and is likely to make a lot of vegans uncomfortable. Want to know what you look like asking this question? Close your eyes and imagine a bummy, yellow-toothed alcoholic asking someone who doesn't drink (because he/she doesn't enjoy it), "Aw, man! You should drink on the weekends at least! Everybody should drink! The human being needs to drink!"





Let me eat my tofurkey in peace.


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