Attn: The Desk of Toaster Strudel's Marketing Manager

It is my opinion, sir, that if you cannot generate any new material, you should be removed from your executive position at this time.


You've been pointing out your product's superiority to the Pop-Tart since TV became available in color.


Every single Toaster Strudel commercial I've seen in my life features:

- an exchange between two would-be friends, one whose affinity for Pop-Tarts has caused an irreparable rift.

- a side-by-side contrast of a bursting Toaster Strudel pastry with the middle cleavage and jelly zig-zag towering over an impotent post-it-sized Pop-Tart.

- an announcer, male or female, will copiously emasculate Pop-Tarts, slandering the standardized tart: thinness, dryness, and overall illegitimacy as a breakfast pastry.

- Poppinfresh will usually make an appearance at the close of all commercials, just to throw the turf up and show muthafuckas what time it is.


It's astonishing to me that your entire advertising strategy hinges, has hinged, and it seems will always hinge on pilfering the purist sector, those most selective, from the Pop-Tarts audience. Your platform appeals to those fans who want to pull their first daily meal out of a tinfoil pouch and add nothing, but who are upset by the lack of quality therein.


Oh, Toaster Strudel Marketing Manager...

Will this truly be your niche until your dying day?
What has driven you into this two-decade slide of jealous pastry politics?
Does your older brother Pop-Tarts overshadow your accomplishments at every Christmas dinner?


How tiring.

Careful you don't lose Poppinfresh's contract. He's all you've got.

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